String theory
by MarlleneMilton
Summary: Bilbo is leaving after BoFA and feelings are finally revealed. But they both know it can never be.


He didn´t know how it happened. In one moment he was saying goodbye, his heart breaking apart and in the next, he was kissing Thorin with all the love and longing he buried deep inside long ago, but couldn´t hold there anymore. Oh how he wanted to lose himself in the King´s arms forever. Forget the world around. Forget that there are eyes watching them with sadness almost as his own. In such perfect world, there would be no one else, only Thorin and him.

A single tear found its way down his cheek as he pressed himself even closer into the comfort the King provided. His hands gripping desperately on Thorin´s shoulders as if he´d fall if he let go. He felt like falling anyway. His body ached to search every part of the King´s skin hidden under many layers of clothing. The desire to touch the bare skin was unbearable and he never yearned for anything so much in his life. He´d never forget this moment, the way Thorin was holding him firmly against his chest. The only moment when the King was truly his. How could he feel so happy and at the same time be torn apart with excruciating pain in his chest. His heart screaming to never let go and to stay in this blissful moment forever. But he knew it had to end, such treats were never meant for hobbits. He was never supposed to have this at all, but he intented to make the best of it and he would cherish this memory for the rest of his life.

Thorin felt like he could just stand there with his hobbit till the end of the world itself. He was clutching at him painfully, afraid that he would disappear the moment he let go. Oh how long he had dreamed of this, but it hurt immensely to be finally able to taste the hobbit´s lips, to hold him close, to feel the sweet softness of his curls between his fingers when he knew it was only for this one time. He inspected Bilbo´s mouth deeply to memorise every single detail of this delightful touch, internally screaming with rage. What a cruel game of fate they found themselves in? Being thrown in each other´s paths without the chance of even sharing it together. Curse the Wizard for ever bringing him to the hobbit´s door! Curse him! Bless him!

They parted slowly never letting go of each other, still not wanting to face reality yet. Their foreheads met in a gentle touch, breathing mixing. After several heartbeats Bilbo turned away with a resolute sign, dried the tears with his sleeve and left The Lonely Mountain without ever looking back.

The journey back was hard even with Gandalf accompanying him and without getting into trouble. Gandalf didn´t say anything about the unexpected goodbye the hobbit shared with the King, nor did he question his determination to be far away from Erebor as soon aspossible.

When Bilbo finally reached Bag End he was met with an unpleasant surprise in the form of a big auction of his belongings. It took a lot of effort to get everything back, but eventually all was sorted and he was back home. And alone again. Before the dwarves so unseemly disturbed his peaceful life, he didn´t mind the quiet and emptiness that filled Bag End. But now, when he spent so much time in the company of noisily dwarves, getting used to their loud snores and bad manners, he suddenly didn´t know how to deal with not having them. And of course, the worst were the thoughts of Thorin that plagued his entire being, which were easily brought up to the surface when there was nothing to distract him.

10 years have passed since he left his companions, friends and love behind. He was a respectable hobbit again although still considered a bit odd and eccentric. There had been some letters exchanged with the company during the years so that he knew everyone was doing alright.

After a long day of council meetings and tiresome discussions, Thorin went to his rooms to have some rest and eat a bit. Alone again.

So much has happened since he decided to go on a foolish quest to reclaim his home. New friendships started, old ones strenghtened and a hope for new alliences arised. But also something else started growing in the King´s heart. Something he never thought himself to be able to feel. And as much as it was unexpected, it was more surprising that it was a hobbit who woke such affections in him.

He was staring at his plate unable to eat. It´s been 8 years since Bilbo left.

"You would disapprove of me if you could see me now. I´m a King. King under the Mountain. I have what I´ve always wanted and still I´m not happy." There was no one else in the room, but he needed to say it out loud.

He remebered it clearly, the day the halfling slipped away. He would have rather fought a whole army of orcs again than to let him go.

"I wish you could hear me, were here with me by my side where you belong." All these years he´s been asking, doubting himself if he should have done something to make him stay. But it wouldn´t have been has done his duty. He has rebuilt a kingdom that would make the dwarven race proud again, but sacrificing his heart for it. Wasn´t then the time for his happiness? Didn´t he deserve it?

"I miss you."

Bilbo was on his way from the market, carrying a heavy basket filled with the best of what he could find. He was thinking of a present he would make for his cousin´s wedding. The way to Bad End was muddy as it was raining for the past two days. His feet got often stuck, making the walk home hard and slow. Finally he opened the small gate a headed to the door when the basket fell from his arms at the sight in from of him, rolling down in the mud to be left forgotten.

There in front of the freshly painted green door stood a king. But not just any king. The King under the Mountain himself. He looked weary from the journey, but as handsome as ever. Bilbo couldn´t breathe, his eyes wide, heart racing and pounding, the sound of it filling his ears. Thorin was looking at him steadily with an evident relief. He must have been waiting for him for some time. Bilbo didn´t know what made him move, but he found himself coming closer to the dwarf until he was only a few steps away. Then without thinking he throw himself at him, holding for dear life, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Thorin didn´t hesitate and returned the embrace, pulling the smaller body closer to him.

They were holding each other for what felt like eternity before they managed to let go to get through the door. When they entered Bilbo´s legs suddenly felt weak and he collapsed to his knees.

"Bilbo!"

Thorin was next to him in a second, looking at him with worry. "Are you alright?"

"Thorin….. what are you doing here? I don´t mean-… I´m happy to see you, I really am, but…why are here? Why now?"

Thorin looked away, suddenly uncertain what he should say. "I…. Come, let´s sit somewhere else." He pulled the hobbit to his feet and led him to the kitchen. They were sitting close to each other in silence, Bilbo letting him take his time to answer.

"When you left, I thought it was best for both of us. I had a duty to my kingdom and you…..you had your home and family here. It was a hard work to prepare the place for the arriving dwarves and to provide them with everything they needed. When all that was necessary was done I should have been happy since everything worked out well in the end. Even with the Elves we managed to agree on some kind of a compromise. But I felt I was missing something crucial. Something that would fill the hole in my chest." His voice was getting stronger the more he talked. Once he started he couldn´t stop and Bilbo didn´t interrupt him as he was afraid of his own voice betraying him.

"It was three years ago when I decided that I can´t take it any longer. Fili was getting much better and I knew he would be soon ready to take over the throne if I asked him. I waited until I was sure he wouldn´t need me there to help him, with Balin and the others by his side. Oh Bilbo.." Thorin took his hand in his. "I had everything I´d ever wanted, but I couldn´t stay there because I had to…. I had to see you."

"I missed you so much I would wake in the middle of the night thinking I heard you asking for me, calling my name. I know there is much you should hate me for and I´ll understand if you never forgive me, but after almost 11 years thinking about what could have been, I need you to know that you were the one thing that kept me going on the quest. You with you kind heart and clever head, getting us out of trouble so many times I can´t even count and I did little to appreciate it."

Bilbo was gaping at him trying to find the right words. "Thorin-"

"I passed the throne to Fili so that I could be free and come here. I´m no longer a king, I can´t offer you gems nor gold, there is nothing to my name now. But I offer you myself, my heart as it is all I have left. So I´m asking you, Bilbo, will you have me? Please, can you forgive my utter foolishness and all that I did to you?"

Bilbo shifted, pulling Thorin closer and bringing their foreheads together.

"I don´t care about gems or gold, you know that you silly dwarf. I only wanted you. I still do."

That was all Thorin needed to hear before he caught his lips with his own. It was very much like the last time so long ago. Desperate,mixed with tears, but perfect. Only this time the tears were of joy.

When they broke apart they were breathing heavily and smiling. Bilbo shaked his head and let out a breathy laugh. "You are unbelievable. Have you even thought about this? I could have been married. What if I had a wife and couple of children running around?"

Thorin got pale at the thought. It didn´t occur to him that his hobbit might have started a family. For a second he imagined a pretty hobbit lass holding a small hobitling and kissing Bilbo gently on the lips. "Did you want to?" he asked quetly.

"What? No! I´m just saying that you should think before you make decisions such as abdicating the throne!" Despite his tone he smiled warmly. "But I´m glad you did." And he kissed him again. No matter what Thorin said earlier, he would always be his king.


End file.
